Divorce Survival Guide
A couple's survival guide to moving across borders
Frontiers, borders, crossings, these words evoke a myriad of feelings and sensations, not all of them comfortable. They make me think of being in the right place, or not, of identity, of invasion, of giving up more than one had intended.
When a couple decides to make the commitment to live together they agree to surrender a certain amount of personal space and identity to their partner for a common cause. They allow their personal borders to become porous in the pursuit of a stable life together. This is a big step. To avoid later disappointments it is important that they understand and talk about each other's needs and requirements, what is negotiable and what is very definitely not.
Putting these issues together is a little like baking a cake. A cake requires ingredients like flour. No flour - no cake. This is non-negotiable and therefore a requirement. Of course a cake also needs heat, a pan and time for baking but these are all negotiable and therefore they are needs.
Finally, questions like what flavour, colour, one piece or two are flexible, the icing on the cake which make up the wants.
Even with the best pre-marital preparation an overseas move can put pressure on a relationship. Couples have to depend on each other far more in a foreign environment and every little problem can become magnified. Couples will be faced with common issues such as settling into the new country, learning the language, making new friends and adapting to new habits and behaviours while other issues will be faced individually. The culture shock experienced may not affect both partners in a relationship equally. The employed spouse has the familiarity of work and work routines while the spouse who isn't working often has to navigate the new culture quickly -- setting up a new home, getting children settled in school -- and may get hit harder or sooner with culture shock.
Both partners might have chosen to move abroad and may be doing so willingly. But it's also common for couples to move abroad because of one partner's career, and for the other partner to go along, willingly, but with some mixed feelings about the move as well. These mixed feelings can resurface as anger and resentment during the settling-in phase, and again during periods of homesickness and loneliness. A spouse who left a job for the move abroad is now a trailing spouse, which is a quite different, and not so validating status.
The weight of helping children feel at home in a new country is a big challenge that is typically left to the trailing spouse. Finding the right schools and services for children is a challenge in a new culture. Helping children cope with missing their friends, adjusting to a new school, and finding a social network can be difficult and stressful.
Everyone who moves abroad goes through periods of homesickness and loneliness and this doesn't mean that something is wrong with the relationship. Even when it is at its strongest, a support system that includes extended family and friends is essential. And it takes time to build those relationships. In many ways, it is easier for the working spouse, whose job provides built-in relationships with colleagues and others. The stay-at-home spouse not only has to start from scratch, but may also find cultural barriers that can increase the difficulty of making friends.
Couples have financial worries and discussions no matter where they live. These discussions can be more heated if one spouse isn't working making the budget tighter than usual.
What a gloomy picture! Thankfully help is on hand of various sorts. As a feng shui practitioner I talk a lot to my clients about predecessor energy. When moving into a new home we literally step into the shoes of our predecessor. How often does one come across a house where couple number one Divorced, and couple number two moved in and also divorced? I bought my house from a couple who divorced and had to make very sure that I put in feng shui cures so that we did not suffer a similar fate. One of the simplest ways of changing the energies is to give the whole place a good coat of paint. Not only does everything look brighter and fresher but old marks and scuffs from those who lived here before are removed. The Chinese recommend that newly-weds buy a new bed when they are first married. If that is not an option, new sheets also bring a nice change.
Finally if you are really not adapting to the new country it can be worth consulting a professional coach. It is now recognised that the key to a successful relocation is a happy spouse even though not all companies pay sufficient attention to this.
About the Author
Life coach and psychologist Lesley Lawson works with expat spouses who want to make the most of their relocation. To read more of her articles and receive free settling in tips, visit http://www.2relationshipsuccess.com
Divorce Lawyer, Candle Eye & Car Kid with SmartMouth
|
|
What To Do When Your Spouse Cheats:Take Practical Steps To Survive The reviews about this book speak volumes. Alexis states "This is not only a guide, but a story of the paths the author took after she was cheated on. I feel a real connection to her through the pages, and reading about her steps and triumph inspires me to be as okay as I can right now. This is by far the best compilation of knowledge on how to go about your life after such a tragedy." And then Gl... |
|
|
The Co-Parenting Survival Guide: Letting Go of Conflict After a Difficult Divorce $10.37 You may be winning the battle in court, but losing the war at home, saddened at the wounds your children bear as a result of this conflict. But because you are willing to do anything to help your children thrive, you can learn to build a parenting partnership with your former mate in spite of the history between you.The Co-Parenting Survival Guide shows you how to avoid the hot spots and the commo... |
|
|
When the Vow Breaks: A Survival and Recovery Guide for Christians Facing Divorce $8.88 Now an official resource of the nationwide DivorceCare ministry, this new edition of When the Vow Breaks offers practical advice to Christians regarding the top five felt needs and issues that resu... |
.
Welcome to our website! I hope you find the Divorce Survival Guide information that you are looking for.
 |
No items matching your keywords were found.
You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
